Late night thoughts

What do you do when you feel like everything you have worked for was pointless? When everything feels fake? Useless?
What happens when you just want to quit? After completing the most stressful thing a high school senior faces, and your family starts to pick on every single little thing that you have done wrong (when in reality you have done nothing) whats the point in doing anything when everything you have done was for them. When it goes unappreciated and bashed and you feel like trash… What’s the point in living. Though your friends may be there, they are there physically, not mentally because they don’t know the real you because you have never let them embark on that journey called your life story.
Nights like this I feel alone.
I now can see what can drive a person to do unspeakable actions to their body.
Will I do it to myself? What’s the point. If anything happened, it’s not like it would impact any one’s life except mine. Sure kids and relatives would grieve, but not for long. There will be what a few Facebook statuses about how much they miss me and wished they could have done something, some kids wishing they knew me, a memorial where they would say the same things but cry as if someone was video taping them for a news story. In the end, it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t matter. Why am I here, on this earth when nothing has gone my way. Children my age can quote and retell the joyful memories that filled their childhood. I wish I could do the same, but I can’t. All I can do is put on a fake smile and pretend my life is also filled with happiness. Fake happiness. Putting on a fake smile isn’t hard when you have mastered such technique since the third grade. That’s when my normal childhood ended.
They ask why I am a private child, why don’t I tell anyone anything… The reason is because no one can handle it. I can’t even handle retelling the story in my head without hating myself/crying myself to sleep.
What drives a kid to take their life? Is it a gradual process that consumes their thoughts as they walk down the school hallways, or does it only take one action or one event to push one over the edge? There is no definite answer I guess, but the fact of the matter is that in the end one actually has the ability to take ones life.
Now if you’re reading this, keep in mind i’m going directly by my thought process. Though it may not all seem consistent, I really don’t care. This is the first time i’ve ever written… Well typed my thoughts down. For some reason, tonight I just couldn’t keep them to myself. Dealing with a pain for almost 9 years and writing for the first time just shows how intense my feeling are at this point.
No, I don’t plan on taking my own life tonight, and no this isn’t me leading into a suicidal note, but this is me stating that I understand the mindset of one that commits suicide.
No one will ever understand what goes in my head everyday. I can’t tell my family how what they say and do affects me because they always find a way to turn it around and make it about them. My sister will just say i’m being dramatic, but she doesn’t understand that her actions that hurt my parents emotionally in turn hurt me the most because I have to witness everything that happens. I never had the normal life. She did. She had the close circle of friends that did everything teenagers do at this age. I don’t. I can’t get close to anyone because that requires them to know everything about me, and that’s something I can’t do. Yes, I have friends, but not ones that I can tell my life story to. I don’t think I can tell anyone my story. Could I tell an outsider? Possibly, but what good would come out of that? Nothing. I hate this. The pain from the past 9 years swarming my head and within a few hours I have to go to school and plaster a fake smile on my face pretend nothing is wrong. For how long can I keep this up? This fake persona? To be honest, I don’t think I can take it much longer. I am not as strong as I thought I was. Why are you still reading this? Beats me, but what I can say to you is this: do what makes you happy; don’t do it because society wants you to. Don’t live your life under a stereotype, because in the end everything you have worked for will be pointless.